A quick mid-morning note: queenlake.com has finally shown up on Google search. See http://www.google.com/search?q=queen+lake+phillipston&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8. It should be about half way down the page.

Last night Sandra and I went to the calling hours for the mother of my friend, Don. Lorraine was a wonderful, sweet, and kind woman who'd had more than her share of troubles. The family photos, displayed on a DVD, reminded me of my childhood, sitting around with Don and his brother, Vinnie, playing Pipeline on the guitar. (They played; I listened.) At the calling hours, we got to visit with Don's daughter, Sarah, and wife, Debi. It's hard to believe that it's been a year and a half since we last spoke, since Don's funeral. We just missed seeing Ken. People get away if you let them.

I'm halfway through my contract at work. After I return from vacation, Labor Day week, I need to start serious discussions about a contract extension or I'll be looking for a new job in early October.

Sandra's been talking with her parents and her mother's doctors a lot about her mother's upcoming back surgery. I'm waiting for a call from the social services person in my father's doctor's office. In both cases, it's quite a challenge to be helpful without being presumptious. ("Hi, I'm here to help you.") Remembering one of the basic principles of the Hippocratic Oath, we should, first, do no harm.

This weekend Sandra and I are going in to Boston to see a Red Sox game. Pedro is pitching. We're looking forward to having one of Luis Tiant's Cuban sandwiches for supper.

It's back to the office today. I worked from home yesterday and liked it quite a bit. The weather was delightful, something I don't get to exprience much when I'm in the office. Marley wanted to go out often to warn the squirrels away. Finally, I just left the back door open so that he could come and go as he pleased. With a wireless laptop I can sit anywhere in the house, or even outside.

I have to send several documents out for review this week. That's one of the difficult parts of my job, having others comment on my work. I know that it's all a process of making things better, but sometimes I can be rather thin-skinned. Most people won't bother to complete the review anyway, so I will likely only get a handful of comments.

When I'm not able to sleep, I listen to the BBC, broadcast during the overnight by a local NPR station. Generally, the BBC World Service delivers very good news and feature programming. The news is primarily for a North American audience. (They refer to President Bush and then, in another story, British Prime Minister Tony Blair, for example.)

I often don't sleep well, waking very early and unable to return to sleep. It's been going on for quite while. Although my mood doesn't seem to relate to my patterns of insomnia, my sleep patterns are related to depression. I've been treated for depression for nearly 40 years now, since high school. Most of the time you wouldn't know it. Sometimes, though, it's unmistakable. A couple of times in the 80s I was incapacitated for a month or more. I had a few days last month when I thought I was headed for trouble. We caught it in time, however. With the wonderful support of my family and a good doctor, the episode passed and I'm pretty much back to normal. I'm still wary about pronouncing myself to be healthy, though, knowing the nature of these things.

One of the core challenges in recognizing and treating depression is that it can look like so many other things. It can masquerade as dissatisfaction, sadness, anger, or inattention. I have to be careful, more careful than most, about making big decisions because the emotions that I'm feeling may come from illness, not insight. It's true that events can aggravate depression. I've seen that this year. Looking for a job wore me out, leading to decisions that weren't always the best. In several cases, I abruptly changed my mind and left friends in awkward positions. That led a few folks to ask, "How are you *really*?" It took me a while to catch on. Illness or no, I am still responsible for my actions and feel badly when I fall short with people who are trying to help me.

So how have we treated my depression? As mentioned before, with a wonderful family, dear friends, and good doctors. I take the advice of Norman Cousins (Anatomy of an Illness) and keep laughing. I used to rent Bugs Bunny cartoons to keep the laughter coming. I don't drink, haven't for close to 30 years. Even though I know that I will probably never be cured, I always know that each episode will pass, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but it will always pass. Sandra's a great comfort, supporting me and helping me to focus on the process of recovery. It is scary for her, but we've learned how to get through it. I'm very grateful.

The birds have come back. We were out of bird seed for a few days and it was strange not to have a crowd at the feeder. The chickadees and sparrows, small birds, are the first to return. And then, while writing this note, a hawk swooped into the yard and found its breakfast, a mouse, in the tall grass near the fence. The other birds will stay hidden for a while until they're sure that the danger has passed.

In the overnight email, I learned that the mother of my friend Don passed away yesterday. She had had to bury her husband and both of her sons. Now, we hope, she can get some rest.

The next couple of weeks at work will be busy as I complete tasks before our vacation. That'll be good. Well-defined tasks bring focus to the day. There's an axiom in business - if you want to get something done, give it to a busy person. It will also feel good to have earned a vacation. As I've mentioned before, this will be the first vacation in many years when I haven't been exhausted.

On Saturday it rained. It rained a lot. Sandra and I spent a very quiet day at the camp, sleeping late, reading, playing cards, talking. A bit of guilt was sneaking in at the edges - how can we take a day off like this when there's so much to do? Well, doing nothing was the right thing to do that day.

Yesterday my father has indicated that he'd consider have more help around the house. I'll call his doctor today to find out what kinds of services are available with his insurance. But this was a big deal, being willing to accept help from strangers. We're not sure how much help he'll need and he may back off from the idea by the time that we've lined up the resources. Nevertheless, it marks a change. Last week, when I asked if it would be ok for us to make a copy of his house key, he said, "Sure. We're a team."

We talked with my father's next-door neighbors to let them know that we'll be visiting more often. A nice couple with a young daughter. They're living in the house where my grandparents used to live. My grandparents moved there when I was about 10. I would get off the school bus and my grandmother would have coffee and pastries waiting for me as my after-school snack.

One, two, three, four.
I declare a Thumb War.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Try to keep your thumb straight.

Granddaughters Krista (8) and Tess (6) stayed overnight with us at the camp this weekend. It was a fine and fun night. On the way home, the girls thumb-wrestled in the back seat.

We stopped in to see my father yesterday. He's doing better. He says that the pain, on a scale of one to ten, is a two or three. We did some shopping for him and a few chores around his house.

Sandra's mother will have her back operation in September with an expected six to eight weeks of recovery.

The big news of the weekend was the devastation wrought by Hurricane Charley. Sandra's aunt, Marie, lives in Bradenton. My cousin, Norma, lives in Winterhaven. We hope that they and their homes are ok. We'll make some calls to find out more. Today is Norma's birthday.

On Friday I picked up a number of new assignments at work. I spent much of the day getting organized for same. My back-of-the-envelope calculations show that the workload will be just about right. I have several intermediate deadlines before our week's vacation during Labor Day week. My work days are starting to fill up with regularly scheduled meetings. In all, it's settled into normality.

Vacation in three weeks. We'll spend the week at the camp. Labor Day week is a fine time for a vacation. The lake is quiet and the weather is still warm.

You'd think that, after all of the time that I had off this year, I wouldn't be thinking about vacation already. Well, I am. It is different this year, to be sure. For one thing, I won't be stumbling into vacation exhausted. One year, I slept twelve hours a day for the first week that I was off. This year I expect to have more energy. I've been working on a patio at the camp and hope to finish it this time. We have about a half hour's work on the dock that could easily turn into two days' worth. In years past, a kingfisher has followed us as we paddled around the lake in the canoe.

This journal has generated a fair bit of email from family and friends, notes that I greatly appreciate. In addition to keeping me informed about their lives, my correspondents ask good questions. How are you,*really*? Are you still looking for a permanent job? How about a career change, something in music perhaps?

There's an old parable about walnuts and rice. In order to fit both walnuts and rice into a jar, you have to put the walnuts in first and let the rice fill in the spaces that are left. If you put the rice in first, the walnuts won't fit or at least won't fit as easily. The point being, you have to have your walnuts, the most imporant things in your life, in order first. As we go through our days, Sandra and I ask each other, "Is this a walnut? Is this rice?"

We've entered a season where we need to think more about others than ourselves. This includes not only family, but also friends and neighbors. Our next door neighbor fell off a ladder last week and broke his hip; he'll be in a nursing home for a month. His wife is housebound with MS. Their children stop in a couple of times a day. We'll help as we can, taking out the trash and other small chores. Tonight we'll have dinner with friends at a Korean restaurant and then come back for a birthday party for grandson Joe, who turns 10 today. Tomorrow we'll have granddaughters Krista and Tess overnight at the camp. There are those who do all of these things and more with great ease and grace. There's much to learn, much to do better.

And, in middle of it all, I get a call from a recruiter regarding a job possibility. I'll have a telephone interview today. The job that prompted the call would require relocation to Seattle, which isn't an option. We'll talk, instead, about other opportunities that would let me work from home.

Happy Birthday, MRM. Happy Birthday, Joe.

I'm at the point now at work where I can start to create project plans. I spent the first month learning the products and processes. There's still more to learn, but I have a good understanding of what's ahead. Project plans help me clarify what I know and what I don't know. Some people prepare meticulous plans. Mine tend to be painted in broader strokes. A former manager used to say that the good thing about a plan is that you can change it.

I've stayed by myself most of the time at the office, listening to music while working. I suppose I could and should spend more time in the aisles, talking with people, but I don't. The people are nice enough, even inviting me to go on lunch time walks.

Shortly after my car turned over 100,000 miles, the Check Engine light came on. Oh, geez, I thought, here it goes. As it turned out, there was just a minor problem with the emissions system, easily fixed. While I waited for my car at the dealership, I was able to use their wireless network to connect to the systems at work. It won't be long before Internet access will be as ubiquitous as radio.

What have I learned then? Lately, it's been about planning. If I know what's most important and know the resources that I have available, I can make decisions more easily. Without a framework, my decisions are no better than a coin toss.

We're coming to the end of a stretch of hot weather, although it wasn't really that hot. We didn't need the air conditioner; a fan kept us comfortable through the night. The tomorrow's forecast calls for a cool and rainy day.

So, where have I been? Simply put, trying to find balance. In architecture, you acheive balance when you have matched the strength of materials with the load that they must carry. For several years I let my job define my day. The work started early, ended late, and didn't leave a lot of spare energy for much else. Now it's time for something else, to be a husband, son, father, and friend. Those responsibilities, coupled with a new type of work, require different strengths, talents that I haven't used in a while, if ever. I'm not always confident that my strengths are up to these new loads.

Some years ago, Sandra would take grandson Matthew to guitar lessons. Sandra would ask Matt, "What did you learn in school today?" One day, he asked her, "What did you learn today?"Since then, Sandra and I often ask that same question, of each other and of ourselves.

What have I learned? That will be the subject of future journal entries. Now it's time to go to work.

The news of the week has been, of course, the Democratic National Convention in Boston. We watched a few hours of it last night. We tried several stations before settling on C-Span. We would have liked to have seen Bill Clinton's speech but, at 10:30, it was way past our bedtime for a work night. The Democrats have, so far, channeled their anger well and kept a fairly positive focus. It's going to be a very interesting campaign.

Today is Sandra's birthday. We'll go to Mike's for supper and cake. Adam is working at the DNC, so he'll meet Sandra for lunch with Jennie and Lily on Friday. Sandra and I don't exchange birthday, anniversary, or Christmas gifts, but we do have fun with cards.

I've felt off-kilter for a few days. The symptoms are hard to describe and don't make much sense. Each day shows a bit of improvement, however, so I remain encouraged that whatever this is will pass.

Sunfloweres are such improbable creatures. Most of the time, it seems, their stalks can't support the flower and yet they keep on trying, keep on growing.  We have a crop of sunflowers growing up around one of our bird feeders. They really make the back yard look like summer time.

Yesterday was my most productive day at work so far, completing a couple of small, but tricky tasks. Never underestimate the power of espresso.

Sandra's parents arrived in good order yesterday afternoon and joined us for dinner. They make the 650-mile trip in 12-13 hours. This was either their third or fourth trip this year.

My dog loves oranges. He also loves carrots, bananas, and just about any fruit or vegetable except lettuce or celery. When I was out of work, I'd have an orange as a mid-afternoon snack. Marley would sit at my feet and drool until I tossed a slice to him. I still have the mid-afternoon snack. It's a bit strange to have the orange all to myself.

Ain't it the way? Yesterday Apple announced new versions of the iPod with longer battery life and lower prices. They didn't increase the capacity, though, so I don't feel as bad as I might. I'm still very happy with mine. Yesterday I listened to Garnet Rogers, various pieces by Mozart, and the Paul Butterfield Blue Band.

Most mornings I'm one of the first people in the office. There are a couple of others who arrive early and like to leave the overhead lights off, using just the desk lights. Part of fitting in is not being the one to turn on the overhead lights.

In today's Peanuts comic strip, Snoopy observes that if you think about something at three in the morning and again at noon the next day, you get different answers.

At the start of Week Two, normality is starting to take hold. I've worn my new clothes at least once. It's like the second week of a new school year. I know pretty much what to expect, know where my classes are, and even have a few longer-term assignments. My manager mentioned briefly on Friday that this contract may run through late November. That is a good thing, for the most part, although it does complicate my search for permanent employment. December is a lousy time to be looking for work. I'll talk with my manager today to understand more of what he expects. I will also need some flexibility in my schedule to help my family from time to time.

On Saturday we learned that my father has been suffering with terrible back pain for a few days. The pain came on suddently and has been withering. He is 90 but has been in what his doctor described as vigorous good health. He has been looking forward to sailing again this season. The pain is draining the vitality from his face and body. Stubbornly, he will wait until this morning to call his doctor and will drive himself to his appointments. He is a strong man and it took this much pain for him to look his age.

Yesterday Sandra and I trimmed the hedges at my father's house. Sandra did most of the trimming and I cleaned up. I dumped the clippings into the woods behind the house, woods that I played in as a child. I remember climbing the big pine trees, getting the pine pitch on my hands and clothes. Unlike the house, which seems smaller now, the trees are bigger and taller. I was tempted to climb one, but then thought the better of it.

We were supposed to have company at the camp on Saturday night, but the company canceled. Sandra and I went to our favorite special restaurant and ate too much good food. As the saying goes, we were too stuffed to jump. On Sunday morning we went for a canoe ride around the south end of the quiet lake.

Sandra's parents are driving from Prince Edward Island tomorrow and will arrive at suppertime. Sandra's mother has a doctor's appointment here on Friday. They've talked about going back early next week. We'll see. They, too, are wonderful examples of living interesting and interested lives in their 80s.

By the timestamp on this entry, you can see that I woke early. Marley's had his breakfast and has gone back to sleep. The only sound is the ticking of the clock and his soft snoring.

In the last week, I've added several folks to the distribution list for this web log, so I'd like to step back and bring everyone up to date. In March I was laid off from my job as a manager at IBM. I started a web log as journal of my activity while I was out of work. This week I returned to work on a contract, meaning that I'll be working as an hourly employee for several months. I have recast this web log to record the goings-on as I return to work.

It's also important to remember what it is that I do for a living. Even those who worked with me weren't always sure. In brief, I am a technical writer, preparing documentation primarily for computer software products. I've been doing something like this for close to 25 years. In that time, I've also done related work, managing people, projects, and computer systems. At the core, though, I've focused on improving the way that a company manages its technical information to help its customers do their jobs.

Toward that end, I spend a lot of time on what may seem like peripheral activities: investigating new ways for technical writers to create, manage, and publish the technical information. Yesterday I was working on a particular problem (using Emacs for DITA authoring, for those of you who care about such things), when the senior manager of the group stopped by. I explained to him what I was doing. "How does that help us?" he asked. So I explained how this work fit into their process-improvement strategy. He seemed to buy it, because the discussion then veered off to a more general discussion of how the strategy was being developed and rolled out to the group. For me, it was a day of play that someone is willing to pay for. That's a good day at work.

We're in a gray and rainy stretch, making it all the easier to go to work. This weather pattern may continue for another week.

For now I'm not planning to bring a lot of personal stuff to my office, perhaps just a few reference books. It's a nice enough cube, large by some standards, with six-foot walls. In previous jobs, I'd spend 10-12 hours a day at work, so it was natural that my office would become a second home with a change of clothes, refrigerator, and many personal effects. My contract limits me to 40 hours per week and only for a few months in duration.

My iPod is the only personal accessory that I bring with me. Its eight-hour battery gives me just enough music for the work day. I like playing disc jockey. Some days I wander through the whole collection; other days I'll listen to just one artist. Yesterday it was Van Morrison.

Last night Sandra and I went out to dinner with son Mike. He's an interested guy, always asking good questions. Lynn and the kids are on vacation in Vermont this week. He'll join them this weekend.

In conversations with my new co-workers and others, I'm finding that a lot of people were out of work for a long time, a year and more. Theirs is the tone of shipwreck survivors, glad to be on the beach, any beach, away from the waves and the sharks.

Two players from the Red Sox, Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz, hit two-run homers in last night's all-star game. Now, if the Sox can pull off the trade for Randy Johnson, life would be really good. RJ is grandson Joe's favorite player.

Yesterday was a quiet day at work, spent reading and taking care of administrative tasks. I'll meet a couple more people today, including the leader of my project.

It's not as easy to read and send my personal email from work. I like to keep personal email separate from work stuff. I use a web-based email reader that isn't as elegant as the stand-alone email programs such as Outlook, Outlook Express, Eudora, and others. There's a nifty web-based service at Oddpost.com. I've used them before and may do so again.

I went grocery shopping on the way home yesterday. That's another adjustment resulting from my return to work, tending to the household chores. I'd been shopping, washing clothes, going to the post office, feeding the birds, and such during the day when the crowds are smaller. Some things will now be done at different times and probably a few things won't get done at all.

We've embarked on a new season of socializing at the camp. It started with having our grandsons stay overnight on the 4th. We had company last weekend and will again this weekend. It makes us look at the place differently, trying to make it more welcoming to visitors. Sandra painted a couple of signs that we hung on trees along the dirt road. We're also learning to cook differently, using the little gas stove and the outdoor grill.

So, as we approach the middle of the work week, my mood is good. I'm still a bit nervous about having to do real work, but believe that it'll be ok. I'll talk more with the people who were out of work a long time to find out how they made the transition.

I made it through Day One with nary a bump or bruise. Because a couple of the key people weren't available in the morning, I worked just the afternoon. My new work computer was ready for me and most of the administrative chores were in good order. My manager, George, introduced me to his team. The people are very nice. Day Two will be a challenge because I have to remember the names of all of the people. I will go around the office area this morning and check names on the cubicles. I spent most of yesterday afternoon reading, familiarizing myself with the company's policies, procedures, and standards. It will be another day or two before I'm expected to do real work. I have a laptop at work and may be able to work from home once in a while.

The most tiring part of the day was the commute home. It's been many months since I've driven in a Massachusetts rush hour. I'd forgotten, but quickly remembered, the tricks of the road. When I was commuting to Lexington, I would send a wackiness report to Sandra every morning. On this day, the wackiness was about average, but it was a lot for this guy.

You might detect my reserved attitude toward this job. Make no mistake. I'm very grateful for the opportunity and look forward to doing a good job. It's just that, well, knowing that this is temporary is quite a distraction. In many ways, though, this is a good next step. It gives me a chance to reacquaint myself with the work and technology, to sharpen my technical skills, to learn how to work again. I learned that my job was going away last September. I started looking for work full-time in February. In this business, that's a long time to be away. This job will make me ready for whatever is next.

I put the original web log in http://www.queenlake.com/blogs/roasterboy-original.html.

Today I start a contract writing job. The job should last a few months. In the meantime, I'll continue my search for permanent work. (I use the word permanent advisedly. I may have mentioned this before, but I heard one person describe work as the thing we do between layoffs.) I have a couple of interviews in the queue that I'll need to schedule around my new work day.

So, how do I feel about returning to work? Mixed. It's a good group of people. It will be good to use my mind again and to be in regular contact with people. As I noted earlier, I've experienced a sharp drop-off in the amount of email that I receive. It will be good to rejoin a working team. Oh, and the money will be nice. On the other side, it's difficult to get really excited about something that is temporary. In the past few years I've thrown myself headlong into my work and have experienced all of the joys and bumps of such intensity. With a contract job, we don't reach that level of involvement. Also, in some past contract positions, I've even been invisible, there to do a job and all but ignored by the full-time staff. This group may be different. I hope so.

Last week I sank into a blue mood for several days. I'm doing better now. I have a wonderful family that supports and encourages me. I'm truly blessed.

I started this web log as a way to record my activities and thoughts while I was out of work. I should, then, retire this journal and start another with a new theme. Watch for the further adventures of Roaster Boy.

So even though I have an offer and expect to prepare the paperwork today, opportunities for permanent positions still show up. Yesterday afternoon I received an email from a former colleague whose company may been looking to hire a documentation manager. I have an interview scheduled for next week. This morning another friend alerted me to another management position at a software company in Westborough. I applied for the job. Knowing how long these things can take, I can start the processes now and expect that it might take three or four months for me to get another offer.

Someone described work as the thing you do between layoffs. I hope that's not the case for me, but, having survived this one in good shape, I think I could deal with another layoff with a better attitude. Most importantly I'll appreciate the time at home.

This morning Marley and I went for a 3.5 mile walk. It is a fine morning for a walk, the temperature in the low 60s. This is a route that I'll often run. It was nice to have the company this time. I listened to old (Peter Green era) Fleetwood Mac on my iPod.

Later this morning I have to go for my drug screening as a part of my new job. They don't test for alcohol or other dangerous habits, just illegal drugs. Don't get me wrong. I've seen the devastation that can come from drugs. Nevertheless, more damage can come to a company from megalomania in its executives than from marijuana among the hourly workers.