When I'm not able to sleep, I listen to the BBC, broadcast during the overnight by a local NPR station. Generally, the BBC World Service delivers very good news and feature programming. The news is primarily for a North American audience. (They refer to President Bush and then, in another story, British Prime Minister Tony Blair, for example.)

I often don't sleep well, waking very early and unable to return to sleep. It's been going on for quite while. Although my mood doesn't seem to relate to my patterns of insomnia, my sleep patterns are related to depression. I've been treated for depression for nearly 40 years now, since high school. Most of the time you wouldn't know it. Sometimes, though, it's unmistakable. A couple of times in the 80s I was incapacitated for a month or more. I had a few days last month when I thought I was headed for trouble. We caught it in time, however. With the wonderful support of my family and a good doctor, the episode passed and I'm pretty much back to normal. I'm still wary about pronouncing myself to be healthy, though, knowing the nature of these things.

One of the core challenges in recognizing and treating depression is that it can look like so many other things. It can masquerade as dissatisfaction, sadness, anger, or inattention. I have to be careful, more careful than most, about making big decisions because the emotions that I'm feeling may come from illness, not insight. It's true that events can aggravate depression. I've seen that this year. Looking for a job wore me out, leading to decisions that weren't always the best. In several cases, I abruptly changed my mind and left friends in awkward positions. That led a few folks to ask, "How are you *really*?" It took me a while to catch on. Illness or no, I am still responsible for my actions and feel badly when I fall short with people who are trying to help me.

So how have we treated my depression? As mentioned before, with a wonderful family, dear friends, and good doctors. I take the advice of Norman Cousins (Anatomy of an Illness) and keep laughing. I used to rent Bugs Bunny cartoons to keep the laughter coming. I don't drink, haven't for close to 30 years. Even though I know that I will probably never be cured, I always know that each episode will pass, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but it will always pass. Sandra's a great comfort, supporting me and helping me to focus on the process of recovery. It is scary for her, but we've learned how to get through it. I'm very grateful.