Dept. of Medications: a modest proposal

One of the hot topics around here is casino gambling. The Wampanoag tribe in southeastern Massachusetts, who recently received designation as an official Native American tribe by the federal government, is in negotiations with the town of Middleborough regarding the construction of a casino-resort complex in the town. According to the supporters, everybody wins - the tribe, the town, the state, vendors, job-seekers, hookers, everybody. We will, for the time being, set aside Mario Puzo's observation that the lights, the glamor, the fancy building in Las Vegas were purchased with losers' money.

The planned casino is a 100-or-so miles from two other casinos in Connecticut - Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun. There's some concern that having three casinos so close to one another will just make smaller pieces of a fixed-sized pie. How much gambling, after all, can southern New England support?

Enter science. Recent television ads for Mirapex, a treatment for restless leg syndrome and Parkinson's, have noted some interesting side effects. The following clip comes from the manufacturer's web site:

MIRAPEX Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs): "There have been reports of patients taking certain medications to treat Parkinson’s disease or RLS, including MIRAPEX, that have reported problems with gambling, compulsive eating, and increased sex drive. (Emphasis mine.) It is not possible to reliably estimate how often these behaviors occur to determine which factors may contribute to them. If you or your family members notice that you are developing unusual behaviors, talk to your doctor."

OK, all medications have side effects, ranging from seizures, increased suicide risks, and treatment-emergent insomnia, to hirstutism. Few drugs, however, have the potential to induce the kind of behaviors that would make a casino successful.

So, it seems like a good idea for the tribe or the town to set up a clinic in or near the casino, a clinic that would specialize in the 'treatment' of RLS. It might even be a good idea to distribute coupons in the region's newspapers for free samples.